Reporter’s Notebook: Spicy assignment too much to stomach
Can I do this? Should I do this?
But it was too late to run. I had to go through with it.
Carey set my double-patty Nuke Burger and wings in front of me. My stomach started to turn, and any remaining confidence was quickly snuffed out. He said he usually delivers the burger wearing a gas mask but said he’d spare me the theatrics.
Slightly trembling with fear, I locked my eyes on the burger and thought about a quote my girlfriend had sent me by “Parks and Recreation” TV character Ron Swanson: “When I eat, it is the food that is scared.”
I was ready. I thanked Carey, grabbed the burger, peeled back some of the wrapper and took a big bite.
I was hit by a barrage of spicy punches. The reaper mash hit me with a hook, the ghost pepper chili jack cheese followed with an uppercut, and then I was bombarded by a salvo of jabs from the seasoned patties, jalapenos and sauce.
The first two or three bites were fine, but the heat quickly built up. I couldn’t feel my lips or tongue, and every tissue in my mouth seemed to be on fire. I was sweating profusely, and tears flowed from my eyes to the burger. Nothing eased the pain.
I threw my glasses off my face and continued to take bites, but every one felt like I was shoving pins into my mouth.
I got about halfway through the burger before calling it quits.
Carey gave me a cup of the most heavenly vanilla ice cream I’ve ever eaten. But as I was shoveling it down, Carey reminded me of the wings.
How could I forget about the wings? Why did I order wings?
So I put the ice cream down, picked up a wing, took a bite, swallowed, threw the wing back in the basket and began jumping around from the pain in my mouth.
My stomach hurt, and I left work early. That night, my girlfriend laughed at the video Brittany had taken of me at the restaurant.
We went to an outdoor screening of “E.T.” and I sat in my camping chair watching the little alien heal Elliott’s cut finger.
I wish E.T. had been there to heal the “ouch” in my stomach.
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